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How To Avoid Dating App Flakes


Alias BostonGal

Comment: I recently moved to the Boston area and was looking to meet new guys. Around the time I moved, Tinder because the talk of the town, so, of course, I joined it. After a few flopped dates later, I removed myself from Tinder and tried to date the traditional way. A few dates went well, but nothing ever lasted for longer than 2 weeks- that's the exact mark. They always get cold feet and say they are "not sure what they're looking for" and "not sure what they're doing with their lives"- despite them initiating the first date. I'm not sure if it is the type of guy I am attracted to (good looking, successful, loves his mama,social,works out) or me. I've seriously gone on dozens of dates already and have had no success at all. I've also realized that a lot of men that I am attracted to here in the Beantown have 3 priorities in their lives- money, the gym, and their bros. While I don't tell them that, its a common trend amongst the men here.


The last man I dated for the whopping two weeks ended things with me because our personalities were too "Different" (um, yea, he went days without talking to me...his excuse was that he didn't think it was that important). I was introduced to him by his sister.


I try not to come off as desperate at all either- I have my own business, travel a lot, work out, etc., so I'm not so wrapped up in relationships or obtaining one. I am just not sure where to go,what to do, how to meet new people. It seems impossible in this big city and at this point I just want to throw in the towel!

Any advice on the Boston dating scene and how a 26-year old female can succeed here? Age: 26 City: Boston State: MA


I walk dogs here in NYC. It's a fun part-time gig because, dogs and extra money. And dogs. Anyhoo, I'm a Wag Walker, so all the walks I get come in through the Wag app. The process is similar to Tinder and Hinge in that I set my preferred parameters then wait for owners to request walks. The requests go out to all walkers within a certain distance. Walkers request the dog walk, then we wait. Sometimes I get accepted aka a match. Some times I don't. Many other times, though, I see a possible walk and think, "But what if a dog that lives closer wants a walk? What if, by 1pm, I don't feel like walking a dog? What if I get a request from one of my preferred pups?" The analysis paralysis takes over and - usually - I pass on a walk or cancel one I have scheduled for later in the day. Fear Of Missing Out takes over. That usually leads to me not getting any walks at all, or only one or two. There's nothing ostensibly wrong with the dogs. I just can't pull the trigger because, what if?


I'm sure you see where this is going. Whether it's dating in NYC or dating in Boston or dating in any major metropolitan city, you're going to encounter people like this. Dating in a large city means that there's a significant amount of options for any one single person. That's when FOMO - Fear Of Missing Out - kicks in.


The problem here isn't you, it's that dating apps have convinced people that there's always someone better just a swipe away. Those bros you meat who don't know what they want? More than likely, they're telling the truth. They're living in a big city surrounded by attractive, educated, accomplished women. What if that super-hot blonde they swiped on yesterday ends up being a match? What if that date they have planned for later in the week is The One? Oh my God, what if they end up marrying the wrong person and wake up one day at fifty and they're miserable???!!!!


This is why these men keep their schedules clear: What. If?


I don't doubt that you come off secure and independent. I'll say it again: I don't think you're the problem here. The challenge presented is that you're meeting ambivalent wishy-washy people., of which there are too many on dating apps. So how can you weed these guys out? I'm not sure you can. Not completely, at least. What you can do is include very clear depiction of what you're looking for in your bio. Don't write a disclaimer about no hook-ups or flakes, as that will only make things worse for you. Instead, say something like:

"Not in the market for joint bank accounts and co-habitation just yet, but that's my end game. If you're ready for the real deal, swipe right."


Men just looking to casually date or hook-up might still contact you, but the guys stuck in a holding pattern will likely panic and swipe left. It's okay to be upfront about what you're looking for. If it scares guys off, good! You don't want them anyway. The reality is, encountering the flakes and faders is par for the course in 2019. There's no way to avoid it completely. You can present yourself in a way that makes you sound approachable and available as well as entirely unwilling to deal with some man-child's nonsense.


Good luck!